it is 11:02 pm, October 31, 2007. I am dressed like a roller disco zombie. all of manhattan is celebrating Halloween. And I have just written the final word of my novel. It was number 50,208.
i have no more words. except these:
THE END
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
almost there
i finally feel like the end is in sight, on my last day. i have 900 words left. i will finish my story today. i don't want it to end, but it's time to wrap it up.
i started this month with three friends who were aiming for the 50,000 word mark. i think i will be the only one to reach it. it's a bit lonely here at the finish line. i was looking forward to celebrating with them, but it looks like i will be celebrating alone. or not celebrating, more likely.
that's all for now. i'll let you know when i finish.
i started this month with three friends who were aiming for the 50,000 word mark. i think i will be the only one to reach it. it's a bit lonely here at the finish line. i was looking forward to celebrating with them, but it looks like i will be celebrating alone. or not celebrating, more likely.
that's all for now. i'll let you know when i finish.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
the book report
not too much to report. the good news is i'm still on track at almost 43,000 words. the other news is that i just got to the point i've been trying to get to for a week and a half. i'm not sure if it's the climax or not; it might be the main conflict and i've just taken way too long to get there, or it might be the climax. um. i feel like i should know. but i don't. so, anyway, i've got roughly 7,000 words to figure it out. if it's the main conflict and it took me 43,000 words to get there i figure i've got at least another 50,000 or so to go. if it's the climax, i can probably wrap her up by Wednesday. i'm going to try to wrap her up by Wednesday.
on a more philosophical note, the older i get the more i realize how little I have control over in my life. i like control. i like plans. i don't like changes in my plans. i thought i had this novel planned out, but what i've learned is that i don't even have control over this thing that i'm creating. i am the only person touching it, i am the only person who has seen it, yet it keeps leaping out of my grasp and sliding through my fingers. and you know what? i actually like it. it's as if this novel is a living thing, one that i've breathed life into. and here i am, at almost to 50,000 words, and i don't even know if i'm almost done or only halfway through. i guess i'll just have to play it by ear a little longer. I'll let you know when i figure it out.
on a more philosophical note, the older i get the more i realize how little I have control over in my life. i like control. i like plans. i don't like changes in my plans. i thought i had this novel planned out, but what i've learned is that i don't even have control over this thing that i'm creating. i am the only person touching it, i am the only person who has seen it, yet it keeps leaping out of my grasp and sliding through my fingers. and you know what? i actually like it. it's as if this novel is a living thing, one that i've breathed life into. and here i am, at almost to 50,000 words, and i don't even know if i'm almost done or only halfway through. i guess i'll just have to play it by ear a little longer. I'll let you know when i figure it out.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Isn't acceptance the final step?
There are seven days left in this adventure. The land is beginning to rise on the horizon, and i feel immensely calm. I've written about 37,500 words, and i'm confident that i'll be able to reach the 50,000 word goal. i'm about 1,000 words behind right now, but i plan on sequestering myself for the entire weekend and writing until i'm satisfied. i am no longer worried about the quality of the writing or whether the plotline or characters are interesting. i'm confident that even if the novel is a complete failure writing-wise, i've learned enough in the process to have made writing it worth it many times over. my mindset at this point is to finish the story that i've started, good or not, engaging or not. i figure that the first time you do anything, the goal is not to succeed but to learn and to do one's best. this novel is by no means a masterpiece. i don't even know if i would read it if someone else had written it. but that's okay with me, surprisingly. somewhere along the way, i seem to have shed my unrealistic expectations and hyperemotional fear of failure and have come to wonder whether it's possible for any artistic endeavor, when undertaken with sincerity and vigor and effort, to be a failure. I have accepted this work for what it is, even though i'm not entirely sure i've figured that out yet. I feel a little bit maternal about it: no matter how ugly or misshapen or stupid it may be, it's my baby, and i love it.
and after all, you know what they say: stupid babies need the most attention. this one will be getting a lot of attention after this project is over.
and after all, you know what they say: stupid babies need the most attention. this one will be getting a lot of attention after this project is over.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
deep breath, or Day 17
Daily word count: 4,096
Total word count: 27,773
okay, okay, sorry to be so goddamn emotional. i locked myself in my room tonight (with an hour break for good behavior to watch "pushing daisies," which, by the way, is adorable and visually stimulating, and relatively well-written) and got myself back on track, word-count wise, and hopefully also story-wise. i finally moved the story forward instead of laterally, by writing my first sex scene. except that i was kind of embarrassed to write it and so did more alluding than elucidating. but whatever. i like it better that way. i'm just guiding the imagination anyway.
i feel pretty good. i passed the halfway point in word count. I've peaked, even if my story hasn't, and now i'm at 27,000 words. it's all downhill from here baby. i think i'll be okay after all...i don't expect the second "half" of my events to really total half of the pages, but i do think i'm still a little behind.
thank you, all of you, for putting up with my mood swings and being so encouraging! you have no idea how much it means to me when you e-mail or ask me how my writing is going. it helps to keep me focused on what i'm doing and why.
a lot of people have asked me what my story is about. i haven't told anyone anything, and i probably won't until i'm done writing it. but maybe i'll put up an excerpt when all of this is over.
kisses, and good night, friends. thank you for caring, and reading, and supporting me. it means more to me than you know.
Total word count: 27,773
okay, okay, sorry to be so goddamn emotional. i locked myself in my room tonight (with an hour break for good behavior to watch "pushing daisies," which, by the way, is adorable and visually stimulating, and relatively well-written) and got myself back on track, word-count wise, and hopefully also story-wise. i finally moved the story forward instead of laterally, by writing my first sex scene. except that i was kind of embarrassed to write it and so did more alluding than elucidating. but whatever. i like it better that way. i'm just guiding the imagination anyway.
i feel pretty good. i passed the halfway point in word count. I've peaked, even if my story hasn't, and now i'm at 27,000 words. it's all downhill from here baby. i think i'll be okay after all...i don't expect the second "half" of my events to really total half of the pages, but i do think i'm still a little behind.
thank you, all of you, for putting up with my mood swings and being so encouraging! you have no idea how much it means to me when you e-mail or ask me how my writing is going. it helps to keep me focused on what i'm doing and why.
a lot of people have asked me what my story is about. i haven't told anyone anything, and i probably won't until i'm done writing it. but maybe i'll put up an excerpt when all of this is over.
kisses, and good night, friends. thank you for caring, and reading, and supporting me. it means more to me than you know.
drowning, floating, flying
i'm wondering, though not for the first time, if i am somehow psychologically impaired. my emotions with this project have been a roller coaster--euphoric one day, crushed the next. confident and pleased with my writing, then insecure and frustrated. in my last blog i was ambivalent, blase even. today, i'm frustrated and tempted to rip the damn manuscript to shreds. am i always this manic-depressive? I'm 3,000 words behind, almost at 25,000, but i'm still at the beginning of my story. i keep writing, writing, writing, but i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere. i keep trying to remind myself to write scenes that advance the story, now that i've taken care of character introduction, but i can't...seem...to....get...going. the story is stagnating, and, i fear, beginning to rot. at this point, i'm trying to decide whether to rush through the middle to get to the end by October 31 and finish at 50,000 words or whether to take my time and just keep writing past the end of October. Either way, i don't see myself not getting to 50,000. At this point, the word count is not an issue. The story is.
Monday, October 15, 2007
i want to quit
it's not that i'm tired, although i am. it's not that i'm frustrated with my writing, which i'm not, not overly so anyway. i'm not overwhelmed. i'm not overcome with emotion. i'm not falling out of my chair tired, or so lost for words. i'm over the quality issue. i don't know what it is, exactly. but i want to quit. i don't even know how to explain it. i know all of you are going to hate me for saying this, but i feel, just a little, that maybe, maybe?, this isn't challenging me enough. or maybe i'm just a pussy. or i'm cocky. or i feel like it's going to be so easy to do that i might as well not finish. or maybe it's that once it's done, then judgment time is upon me, and if i don't finish, there's no chance of failure.
i read an article awhile ago in New York magazine about gifted kids who are told all the time how smart they are. so they did studies on these kids versus average kids, challenging them with activities that were slightly above their level, and they found that the gifted kids, instead of looking stupid and risking not being able to do it, would give up much more often and much faster than the kids of average intelligence. it was the exact same puzzle. the average kids would struggle and struggle and struggle until they got it. but at the first sign of adversity the gifted kids would give up. because they didn't want to risk not being smart any more, because that was a big part of their self-image. they weren't praised for trying. they were praised for being smart.
maybe that's my problem. maybe i don't want to let down all the people who tell me i'm a great writer by writing something that isn't great. maybe i'd rather give up than disappoint someone.
either way, i didn't write yesterday. i haven't written today. and i don't want to. i want to give up. i'm starting to see how much of writing is discipline. maybe i just lack discipline. maybe i don't have it, whatever it is. i'm rambling, i know. i don't want to go face my story. i don't want to fight this urge not to write, this urge to quit, this urge to forget about the whole thing...did any of that make sense?
i read an article awhile ago in New York magazine about gifted kids who are told all the time how smart they are. so they did studies on these kids versus average kids, challenging them with activities that were slightly above their level, and they found that the gifted kids, instead of looking stupid and risking not being able to do it, would give up much more often and much faster than the kids of average intelligence. it was the exact same puzzle. the average kids would struggle and struggle and struggle until they got it. but at the first sign of adversity the gifted kids would give up. because they didn't want to risk not being smart any more, because that was a big part of their self-image. they weren't praised for trying. they were praised for being smart.
maybe that's my problem. maybe i don't want to let down all the people who tell me i'm a great writer by writing something that isn't great. maybe i'd rather give up than disappoint someone.
either way, i didn't write yesterday. i haven't written today. and i don't want to. i want to give up. i'm starting to see how much of writing is discipline. maybe i just lack discipline. maybe i don't have it, whatever it is. i'm rambling, i know. i don't want to go face my story. i don't want to fight this urge not to write, this urge to quit, this urge to forget about the whole thing...did any of that make sense?
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