Here We Go Again...

...on our owwwwn. Da Da. Goin' down the only road we've ever knooo-wone. Da Da. like a drifter i was born to ROCK ALONE!!! um, right, so NaNoWriMo is beginning again, and here I am again, ready to detail all of my pleasures and pains and excitements and disappointments and sleepy hallucinations, all for your very own reading enjoyment, you know, the 2 of you who may actually be reading this.

If you're lucky, I MAY even post a little excerpt or two. We'll see how that goes.

So, a lot of you have been asking me, "When can I read the novel you wrote last year?" Well, here's the thing. Writing is an elusive beast, and one that most writers are terrified of. We are all very attached to our writing and we're afraid that it's terrible, and we tend to revert back to the second grade feeling of having your pants pulled down in front of the entire 5th grade during recess. So, we tend to keep our writing pretty much to ourselves until someone writes us a check and puts it out there for us.

I don't know if that answered your question, but I think you get the idea.

For those of you who are just joining us (welcome!), last year, I wrote a novel in a month. I am again going to be joining several friends in the National Novel Writing Month challenge, which is to write 50,000 words in 31 days. MOST people do NaNoWriMo in November, but we all think that's silly because it only has 30 days AND we most of us travel for Thanksgiving and can't write when we're in a turkey coma. Also, we are not most people, are we? No. I think not.

So, as this is the second time I've done this, I gotta admit, I'm going in a little cocky. I know this is not a good thing. I know that I'm going to crash and burn at some point. But I can't help it. I'm all like "Whatever, I did this last year. I can do it again." Ahhh, the mighty (me) are about to fall. I know it, and yet I'm doing nothing about it.

So, basically, me and 5 of my friends are all going to begin our own 50,000 word novel beginning at midnight tonight and ending at midnight on October 31. That boils down to about 1,667 words per day. We have all modified the original "rules" somewhat to fit our own goals, etc, but I'm a purist and a type-A anal retentive, so I'm basically doing it the way it was originally set up to be done. I'm starting with a new story, I'm going to write at least 50,000 words, I'm not going to sleep or be seeing you until November.

Wish me luck!

it is finished

it is 11:02 pm, October 31, 2007. I am dressed like a roller disco zombie. all of manhattan is celebrating Halloween. And I have just written the final word of my novel. It was number 50,208.

i have no more words. except these:

THE END

almost there

i finally feel like the end is in sight, on my last day. i have 900 words left. i will finish my story today. i don't want it to end, but it's time to wrap it up.

i started this month with three friends who were aiming for the 50,000 word mark. i think i will be the only one to reach it. it's a bit lonely here at the finish line. i was looking forward to celebrating with them, but it looks like i will be celebrating alone. or not celebrating, more likely.

that's all for now. i'll let you know when i finish.

the book report

not too much to report. the good news is i'm still on track at almost 43,000 words. the other news is that i just got to the point i've been trying to get to for a week and a half. i'm not sure if it's the climax or not; it might be the main conflict and i've just taken way too long to get there, or it might be the climax. um. i feel like i should know. but i don't. so, anyway, i've got roughly 7,000 words to figure it out. if it's the main conflict and it took me 43,000 words to get there i figure i've got at least another 50,000 or so to go. if it's the climax, i can probably wrap her up by Wednesday. i'm going to try to wrap her up by Wednesday.

on a more philosophical note, the older i get the more i realize how little I have control over in my life. i like control. i like plans. i don't like changes in my plans. i thought i had this novel planned out, but what i've learned is that i don't even have control over this thing that i'm creating. i am the only person touching it, i am the only person who has seen it, yet it keeps leaping out of my grasp and sliding through my fingers. and you know what? i actually like it. it's as if this novel is a living thing, one that i've breathed life into. and here i am, at almost to 50,000 words, and i don't even know if i'm almost done or only halfway through. i guess i'll just have to play it by ear a little longer. I'll let you know when i figure it out.

Isn't acceptance the final step?

There are seven days left in this adventure. The land is beginning to rise on the horizon, and i feel immensely calm. I've written about 37,500 words, and i'm confident that i'll be able to reach the 50,000 word goal. i'm about 1,000 words behind right now, but i plan on sequestering myself for the entire weekend and writing until i'm satisfied. i am no longer worried about the quality of the writing or whether the plotline or characters are interesting. i'm confident that even if the novel is a complete failure writing-wise, i've learned enough in the process to have made writing it worth it many times over. my mindset at this point is to finish the story that i've started, good or not, engaging or not. i figure that the first time you do anything, the goal is not to succeed but to learn and to do one's best. this novel is by no means a masterpiece. i don't even know if i would read it if someone else had written it. but that's okay with me, surprisingly. somewhere along the way, i seem to have shed my unrealistic expectations and hyperemotional fear of failure and have come to wonder whether it's possible for any artistic endeavor, when undertaken with sincerity and vigor and effort, to be a failure. I have accepted this work for what it is, even though i'm not entirely sure i've figured that out yet. I feel a little bit maternal about it: no matter how ugly or misshapen or stupid it may be, it's my baby, and i love it.

and after all, you know what they say: stupid babies need the most attention. this one will be getting a lot of attention after this project is over.

deep breath, or Day 17

Daily word count: 4,096
Total word count: 27,773

okay, okay, sorry to be so goddamn emotional. i locked myself in my room tonight (with an hour break for good behavior to watch "pushing daisies," which, by the way, is adorable and visually stimulating, and relatively well-written) and got myself back on track, word-count wise, and hopefully also story-wise. i finally moved the story forward instead of laterally, by writing my first sex scene. except that i was kind of embarrassed to write it and so did more alluding than elucidating. but whatever. i like it better that way. i'm just guiding the imagination anyway.

i feel pretty good. i passed the halfway point in word count. I've peaked, even if my story hasn't, and now i'm at 27,000 words. it's all downhill from here baby. i think i'll be okay after all...i don't expect the second "half" of my events to really total half of the pages, but i do think i'm still a little behind.

thank you, all of you, for putting up with my mood swings and being so encouraging! you have no idea how much it means to me when you e-mail or ask me how my writing is going. it helps to keep me focused on what i'm doing and why.

a lot of people have asked me what my story is about. i haven't told anyone anything, and i probably won't until i'm done writing it. but maybe i'll put up an excerpt when all of this is over.

kisses, and good night, friends. thank you for caring, and reading, and supporting me. it means more to me than you know.

drowning, floating, flying

i'm wondering, though not for the first time, if i am somehow psychologically impaired. my emotions with this project have been a roller coaster--euphoric one day, crushed the next. confident and pleased with my writing, then insecure and frustrated. in my last blog i was ambivalent, blase even. today, i'm frustrated and tempted to rip the damn manuscript to shreds. am i always this manic-depressive? I'm 3,000 words behind, almost at 25,000, but i'm still at the beginning of my story. i keep writing, writing, writing, but i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere. i keep trying to remind myself to write scenes that advance the story, now that i've taken care of character introduction, but i can't...seem...to....get...going. the story is stagnating, and, i fear, beginning to rot. at this point, i'm trying to decide whether to rush through the middle to get to the end by October 31 and finish at 50,000 words or whether to take my time and just keep writing past the end of October. Either way, i don't see myself not getting to 50,000. At this point, the word count is not an issue. The story is.