alright, i'ma stop complaining now. sorry i've been so self-absorbed slash whiny slash imbecilically insecure.
1687 yesterday, about 1000 so far today. that puts me over 14,000. i'm at a point where i can see where i want to get to but i'm not sure how i'm going to get there yet. should be exciting. and by exciting i mean i'm going to write lots and lots of mundane dialogue. it's strange. i dislike first-person narrative, and i think dialogue is one of my biggest weaknesses, but this book has ended up being a first-person narrative that's at least half dialogue. i didn't mean for it to be this way. it just happened. i'm realizing for the first time what it means when an author says that the story dictated what they wrote. it's strange and surprising and even slightly magical seeming. i do kind of wish i was writing third-person description, though. ah well, this is all about breaking boundaries and stretching limits and jumping out of comfort zones, no? pardon the cliches, but i'm using all the creative juices i can muster for all that insanely banal dialogue i'm typing up.
is everyone else viciously sleep deprived and it's only tuesday, or is it just me?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
by the hair of my, well, you know
i made my first week's word count...barely...after typing off and on all day yesterday. at the end of the day, i had 11,481 words. i used up my "extra word" cushion friday and saturday, when i was too busy/comatose to write. hopefully this week will be easier. i woke up before my alarm this morning (at 5:58 AM), then wrote about 1,300 words. i'll finish up later this evening.
i'm beginning to wonder if my talent has somehow seeped out of me over the past 3 years. i'm having a lot of trouble getting from "typing" to "writing." everything i write seems flat and boring, one-dimensional, a recitation of facts more than the dynamic telling of a story. at this point, i would be embarrassed to let anyone read anything i've written so far. ed read a paragraph over my shoulder yesterday and i practically freaked out on him.
so, while quantity is the goal, i'm still struggling with the quality issue. i'm making my word counts, i have a story line, i know where i'm going and how i plan to get there, but i'm bored to death and unsure of how to breath some life into these characters.
i'm beginning to wonder if my talent has somehow seeped out of me over the past 3 years. i'm having a lot of trouble getting from "typing" to "writing." everything i write seems flat and boring, one-dimensional, a recitation of facts more than the dynamic telling of a story. at this point, i would be embarrassed to let anyone read anything i've written so far. ed read a paragraph over my shoulder yesterday and i practically freaked out on him.
so, while quantity is the goal, i'm still struggling with the quality issue. i'm making my word counts, i have a story line, i know where i'm going and how i plan to get there, but i'm bored to death and unsure of how to breath some life into these characters.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
day 6 ish
i wrote maybe 50 words before i headed out this morning. i met my friend, Ariel, for brunch, got drunk on their $15 all you can drink plus brunch brunch, peeled off to run home to pee, and fell asleep.
i woke up about an hour ago. i figure that's about an 8 hour nap. and i'm still trying to wake up. i may give up and just go back to bed. when i called ariel to apologize, she sent me to voicemail. i hope i apologized. all i remember is saying that my lips felt swollen.
then i called sarah for commiseration purposes, except that she was out and her phone was about to die. when i said something about my not writing today, she suggested that i go back to sleep and worry about it tomorrow. so, on dr. sarah's good advice, i think i'll do that.
seriously, how does anyone do this?
i woke up about an hour ago. i figure that's about an 8 hour nap. and i'm still trying to wake up. i may give up and just go back to bed. when i called ariel to apologize, she sent me to voicemail. i hope i apologized. all i remember is saying that my lips felt swollen.
then i called sarah for commiseration purposes, except that she was out and her phone was about to die. when i said something about my not writing today, she suggested that i go back to sleep and worry about it tomorrow. so, on dr. sarah's good advice, i think i'll do that.
seriously, how does anyone do this?
day 5, exhaustion
i'm exhausted. i've gotten up an hour early every day this week to write but i haven't been able to go to bed any earlier. and when i don't get enough sleep, i'm like a 3-year-old who missed her nap. cranky, irrational, prone to fits of crying and/or screaming. those of you who have had a 3-year-old (and the 2 of you who had me as a 3-year-old) know that it's not a pretty sight. and i'm not happy.
i only managed 700 words yesterday. i have a full day of obligations today, so i'm trying to write a little before i have to go do those things. i don't know when i'm going to catch up on sleep or on words. maybe tomorrow. please, god, tomorrow. i can't keep going at this pace without a break.
Day 5: 741
Total: 8840
i only managed 700 words yesterday. i have a full day of obligations today, so i'm trying to write a little before i have to go do those things. i don't know when i'm going to catch up on sleep or on words. maybe tomorrow. please, god, tomorrow. i can't keep going at this pace without a break.
Day 5: 741
Total: 8840
Friday, October 5, 2007
playing it safe
although I'm doing fine on my word count, 8099 as of end-of-day yesterday, i have hit what might be called a psychological wall. it's not that i'm having trouble getting the words on the paper, it's that the words on the paper are disappointing me. i know i'm not supposed to worry about quality, but as i was waiting for the subway to take me home after jeerleader practice last night, i was thinking, thinking HARD, about my novel. something is amiss. and suddenly i had a moment of panic. what if i'm not good enough to write a book? what if i'm not skilled enough, what if my experiences don't mean enough, what if i'm just simply unable to capture that thing that makes good books good? what if, in my description of bodies and events, i am unable to capture the soul?
to this point, i feel like i've been limiting myself, writing safe. at this point, my grandmother could read my manuscript, if you know what i mean. i feel inhibited. i feel like i'm writing for my most conservative audience, and it's driving me crazy. i need to break out of this, somehow. i want edgy characters. i want REAL characters, not the boring, flat, uninteresting characters that i found in all of my "christian" novels growing up.
I'm reading a great book called "Writing Past Dark" by Bonnie Friedman that addresses a lot of the emotional aspects of writing. In her essay "Anorexia of Language" she says about fear to write what we really mean, "So many of us, practiced in administering our own internal morphine, wish to preserve harmony at all cost, to be good wives and virtuous daughters, yet write. We disregard the fugitive emotion we are not supposed to feel, and whose presence we do not understand." I'm trying to be virtuous, but virtuous is not what or who i am. i am writing, not from my heart or soul but from my head, which is sanitizing everything that i'm saying, bleaching it to the point almost of unrecognition. when i mean to have vibrant, complex, flawed characters, they are coming out static, fuzzy, and gray. i'm not sure how to break out of this, but if i don't, i'm going to have one hell of a boring and useless novel.
to this point, i feel like i've been limiting myself, writing safe. at this point, my grandmother could read my manuscript, if you know what i mean. i feel inhibited. i feel like i'm writing for my most conservative audience, and it's driving me crazy. i need to break out of this, somehow. i want edgy characters. i want REAL characters, not the boring, flat, uninteresting characters that i found in all of my "christian" novels growing up.
I'm reading a great book called "Writing Past Dark" by Bonnie Friedman that addresses a lot of the emotional aspects of writing. In her essay "Anorexia of Language" she says about fear to write what we really mean, "So many of us, practiced in administering our own internal morphine, wish to preserve harmony at all cost, to be good wives and virtuous daughters, yet write. We disregard the fugitive emotion we are not supposed to feel, and whose presence we do not understand." I'm trying to be virtuous, but virtuous is not what or who i am. i am writing, not from my heart or soul but from my head, which is sanitizing everything that i'm saying, bleaching it to the point almost of unrecognition. when i mean to have vibrant, complex, flawed characters, they are coming out static, fuzzy, and gray. i'm not sure how to break out of this, but if i don't, i'm going to have one hell of a boring and useless novel.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Day 2
Daily word count: 2,020
Total word count: 5,041
Turns out my original worry, reaching word count, is not so hard as it originally seemed.
Turns out that when your original worry turns out not to be much of a worry after all, another one is right behind to take it's place.
Turns out that all of that was about ten times more eloquent than anything i've been able to type so far.
That's the new worry. perhaps i will slow down just a little and try to see my story a little better.
onward, friends. we are star stuff.
Total word count: 5,041
Turns out my original worry, reaching word count, is not so hard as it originally seemed.
Turns out that when your original worry turns out not to be much of a worry after all, another one is right behind to take it's place.
Turns out that all of that was about ten times more eloquent than anything i've been able to type so far.
That's the new worry. perhaps i will slow down just a little and try to see my story a little better.
onward, friends. we are star stuff.
Day 1, continued
Daily word count: 3,021
Total word count: 3,021
So my plan is to get up at 6 (well, 6:30 if you count the 2 times I allow myself to hit the snooze), write for an hour before work, and then finish up my word count in the evening. So yesterday morning, after 4 hours of sleep, I decided I'd get up at 6 even though i'd already met my word count. so, i ended up writing another 1100 words yesterday morning, which meant i could cash in on one of my "rewards." The kit that we're using encourages us to have a reward/punishment system set up with our friends. For instance, with my friend Ariel, she has permission to ask me any day out of the month (and every day if she wants to) whether i met my word count the previous day. If i haven't, I have to go to her house and wash her dishes (which is something i hate to do). And that girl always has a sinkful of dishes. Another is that I don't get to see a certain someone unless i've met my word count, so it was really nice to be able to go meet him right after work yesterday.
i went to bed early last night, woke up again at 6:30 this morning (a tad easier today than yesterday), and wrote about 1400 words. that wasn't as easy today. i feel like i'm learning to write all over again. the writing feels clunky, awkward, and rudimentary. it's supposed to be, according to my novel-writing kit, but that doesn't make it any easier not to think about quality and to put everything out of my head except the story. of course, i want it to be good. my two consolations are that i can edit to my heart's content later, and that, hopefully, i'll get in the groove and have at least one or two spurts of semi-brilliant inspiration by the time this is all over.
So, I've introduced my main character and at least four supporting characters, although i'm not sure how much any of the supports are going to appear in the end. no matter. I feel like i'm on track as far as the story goes, though i'm wondering if i'm going to get to the end of the story by the end of the month.
also, i want to say thank you so much to everyone who's e-mailed encouragement to me already! it means so much to me to know that so many people are pulling for me.
Total word count: 3,021
So my plan is to get up at 6 (well, 6:30 if you count the 2 times I allow myself to hit the snooze), write for an hour before work, and then finish up my word count in the evening. So yesterday morning, after 4 hours of sleep, I decided I'd get up at 6 even though i'd already met my word count. so, i ended up writing another 1100 words yesterday morning, which meant i could cash in on one of my "rewards." The kit that we're using encourages us to have a reward/punishment system set up with our friends. For instance, with my friend Ariel, she has permission to ask me any day out of the month (and every day if she wants to) whether i met my word count the previous day. If i haven't, I have to go to her house and wash her dishes (which is something i hate to do). And that girl always has a sinkful of dishes. Another is that I don't get to see a certain someone unless i've met my word count, so it was really nice to be able to go meet him right after work yesterday.
i went to bed early last night, woke up again at 6:30 this morning (a tad easier today than yesterday), and wrote about 1400 words. that wasn't as easy today. i feel like i'm learning to write all over again. the writing feels clunky, awkward, and rudimentary. it's supposed to be, according to my novel-writing kit, but that doesn't make it any easier not to think about quality and to put everything out of my head except the story. of course, i want it to be good. my two consolations are that i can edit to my heart's content later, and that, hopefully, i'll get in the groove and have at least one or two spurts of semi-brilliant inspiration by the time this is all over.
So, I've introduced my main character and at least four supporting characters, although i'm not sure how much any of the supports are going to appear in the end. no matter. I feel like i'm on track as far as the story goes, though i'm wondering if i'm going to get to the end of the story by the end of the month.
also, i want to say thank you so much to everyone who's e-mailed encouragement to me already! it means so much to me to know that so many people are pulling for me.
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