i want to quit

it's not that i'm tired, although i am. it's not that i'm frustrated with my writing, which i'm not, not overly so anyway. i'm not overwhelmed. i'm not overcome with emotion. i'm not falling out of my chair tired, or so lost for words. i'm over the quality issue. i don't know what it is, exactly. but i want to quit. i don't even know how to explain it. i know all of you are going to hate me for saying this, but i feel, just a little, that maybe, maybe?, this isn't challenging me enough. or maybe i'm just a pussy. or i'm cocky. or i feel like it's going to be so easy to do that i might as well not finish. or maybe it's that once it's done, then judgment time is upon me, and if i don't finish, there's no chance of failure.

i read an article awhile ago in New York magazine about gifted kids who are told all the time how smart they are. so they did studies on these kids versus average kids, challenging them with activities that were slightly above their level, and they found that the gifted kids, instead of looking stupid and risking not being able to do it, would give up much more often and much faster than the kids of average intelligence. it was the exact same puzzle. the average kids would struggle and struggle and struggle until they got it. but at the first sign of adversity the gifted kids would give up. because they didn't want to risk not being smart any more, because that was a big part of their self-image. they weren't praised for trying. they were praised for being smart.

maybe that's my problem. maybe i don't want to let down all the people who tell me i'm a great writer by writing something that isn't great. maybe i'd rather give up than disappoint someone.

either way, i didn't write yesterday. i haven't written today. and i don't want to. i want to give up. i'm starting to see how much of writing is discipline. maybe i just lack discipline. maybe i don't have it, whatever it is. i'm rambling, i know. i don't want to go face my story. i don't want to fight this urge not to write, this urge to quit, this urge to forget about the whole thing...did any of that make sense?